I want to die
by Michelle Kai ou
Summary: Hitomi/Dilandau...nuff said


She wanted to die. Drown herself. She'd tried that. Cut herself. She'd tried that, also. Stab herself. And that, as well. Anything to get away from him. Gods, she loved him. She thought about it bitterly as she hung her head in her room on the bed. The door locked from the outside and was so at that moment. He wouldn't let her out. Not while he was gone. Not until he came home and was able to keep a watch on her.  
  
Hitomi breathed deeply as she hugged her legs. It was cold. She'd forgotten her extra blanket in his room. Yet she didn't mind dying of pneumonia. Just so long that she wouldn't have to live with him anymore. "Good-bye," she sang sweetly as wisps of her hair hit her in the face at the force of the wind blowing from her window. She had deliberately opened it since she knew it would be a cold day. It was already snowing outside.  
  
Then the door to their apartment slammed and Hitomi's first instinct was to close the window before he saw it. But maybe he would beat her. Maybe he would be mad enough to do that. Maybe he would kill her in the process. Or if not, at least give her a reason not to love him anymore.  
  
Somewhere in her mind she knew she was lying to herself. Even if he did hit her, she'd still love him. And that love was unbearable. 'Gods. Leave me alone,' she thought as the door to her bedroom unlocked. A figure with short, platinum hair and an unmistakable scar on his cheek dressed in casual jeans and a dress-shirt stood in the frame. His almost demonic, red eyes flashed as he looked from her to the window.  
  
Hitomi didn't move as he walked swiftly over and closed the window, his shoes squishing against the melted snow on the floor. He paid it little notice as he pounced on her, pinning her to the bed. "What were you doing?" he hissed, though he already knew.  
  
Not bothering to wait for an answer, because he knew she wouldn't give him one, he kissed her violently on the lips, his hands moving to the hem of her short-sleeved t-shirt as he slid his hand up onto her cold skin.  
  
It was strange. His hands were warm. No one would ever expect that from Dilandau Albatou, but that's how it felt. Warm against her skin. Hitomi melted into his arms and strong chest as he held her closer, stripping her of her clothes. Somewhere she knew he wasn't only trying to get a good lay. He just wanted to keep her from getting too cold after she'd had that window opened.  
  
Hitomi wanted to cry. Scream. But she couldn't. Her lips quivered from the cold as his skillful mouth moved from her lips to her neck. She knew what would come next. She always allowed it. She even enjoyed it. A moment when he wasn't screaming at her like mad. But she still wanted to die, because she knew the moment would end. She'd feel lonely as he would leave her bed and head outside to make dinner for her. He didn't speak as harshly to her anymore, but he was still the same.  
  
Dilandau never struck her. He seemed to care for her, but she would doubt it after their lovemaking because he always left her alone. Someone who loved her wouldn't do that. Would they? Hitomi didn't quite know. She wished she could cry, scream, die. But she would never have such a privilege. She would never really be happy...content even. No, not with him around. Not when she loved him this much.  
  
::Warning:: What do you think? Sad enough? Anyway, I wrote this because I'm...I'm not quite sure. I'm just trying to get my feelings out on paper. Some of Hitomi's thoughts are mine. Her wanting to die, for example. I don't have anyone in real life like she has Dilandau in this fic, though. I suppose I put those two together because I'm getting sick of traditional couples. You expect Van and Hitomi. Sora and Taichi. Usagi and Mamoru. Heero and Relena. (Don't get me wrong. I support Van and Hitomi and Heero and Relena.) And etc. I decided to write a Hitomi/Dilandau because do people REALLY expect them to end up together in the series or manga? No. Granted, we wish they would, but nobody would really expect it, would they?  
  
::Disclaimer:: The Vision of Escaflowne is not mine and it never will be. I am using it without consent of the true owners and I therefore apologize. I am not taking any credit for it (obviously) and I ask that you not sue. I did not write this for publication and etc. It is and will always be completely for entertainment only. Thank you. 


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